My car has an AM/PM radio. I can listen morning or night.
The way he drives, it's like he's playing chicken with the traffic lights.
There are two major religions in Italy. #2 is the Catholic church. #1 is food.
Chinatown delis are so organized: they've got all their ducks in a row.
The menu said "Our burgers are 100% British beef." So I ordered the chicken.
I took a cheap vacation to Sorta Vallarta. It wasn't very good, but I couldn't afford the real place.
The flight attendant says "If this is your final destination..." Assuming we land safely, this isn't gonna be my final destination!
One trip to Italy will convince you that self-driving cars will never exist there.
"Do you speak Russian?" "Nyet!"
My wife doesn't bother with thrill rides. She gets enough thrills from my driving.
I got a ticket for texting while driving. But I was able to pay it from my phone without even stopping!
I'm a sloppy driver. My car should have air bags on the outside to avoid all those dents.
Advantage #5 of driving at the speed of light: No chance that another car can rear-end yours.
I was in Louisiana, so I went to a swap meet to get some swamp meat.
The food at Disneyland is more expensive than what NASA sent to the moon.Even after you account for cost of the actual transportation.
Parking meters? I love paying to not drive my car.
A road sign said "Slow down and save a life." There are lots of slowpokes taking care of that, so I don't have to.
Advantage #4 of driving at the speed of light: A radar gun behind you will never catch you!
If you go to Italy and visit Positano, do you also have to visit Negitano?
Advantage #2 of driving at the speed of light: You can't see a police car's red light in your mirror.
Cheatin' hubby / kicked from home / dee-vorce papers / served to his phone / Burma Shave
Some people feel my driving is bad, but they're safer inside the car than outside!
My wife is trying to become a travel advisor, since she's always telling me where to go.
Advantage #1 of driving at the speed of light: Whenever you approach a red traffic light, it always appears green.
Advantage #3 of driving at the speed of light: You can make use of the "slingshot effect" on the curves.
Disadvantage #1 of driving at the speed of light: Flashing your high beams at a car in front does no good.
I think I drive defensively, but my wife says I drive defectively.
I used to think the world was going to Hell in a handbasket. Nowadays, I doubt it will even get there.
I don't have St. Christopher on my car's dashboard: I've got saints Adamo through Zacharias. You can't be too careful.
Disadvantage #2 of driving at the speed of light: You can't see the reflectors in the road.
Disadvantage #3 of driving at the speed of light: Your cellphone can only call those in your direction of travel.
When a web site asks "What is your dream job?" I want to answer "The guy who makes up excuses for higher gas prices."