Sometimes it seems like my opposable thumbs are opposing what I want my hands to do.
My printer has a setting for legal paper. Does a criminal's printer take illegal paper?
Overheard at the Italian bakery:"Whatta cassata!" "Holy cannoli!" "My gosh a focaccia!"
Disadvantage #3 of driving at the speed of light: Your cellphone can only call those in your direction of travel.
I'm now old enough that my dentist and three doctors have retired. Guess I'm doing OK.
My doctor's office voicemail said "We appreciate your patience" But do they appreciate their patients?
Words you can't use by themselves: mumbo, rinky, razzle, heebie, crannies, jeebies, or panky.
They're gonna foreclose on my intellectual property.
I had a brisk pre-Brexit brisket-in-a-biscuit basket breakfast with a brusque British busker.
"Tigris?" "No, zebras." "Euphrates?" "Nah, I'm not scared of 'em."
A client's smart TV stopped showing Netflix. I arrived, she turned it on, and it was fine. That's my touchless magic-touch service.
Someone told me "If you were me, you would not be as smart as you are."
"Jaws" was released in 1975; it's playing again in 2022. Kids who were in 2nd grade in '75 now get the over-55 Senior Discount to see the film!
As I get older, it seems my eyeglass lenses are more progressive than I am.
I married a woman forty years younger than me. Of course, that was forty years ago.
Nowadays, I always feel like my old self. The days of feeling like my younger self are way behind me.
Sometimes I say, "That was several years B.C." Before Children.
Overheard at a baby-changing table: "I think I'd like that baby instead of mine."
Matrimony --> Harmony --> Acrimony --> Agony --> Testimony --> Alimony
When my kids inherit my musical instruments, they'll learn the true meaning of "heir guitar."
I suggested one of my buddies for a single woman in town. My wife replied, "She wants an eligible guy. Not a guy eligible for parole."
There are two major religions in Italy. #2 is the Catholic church. #1 is food.
Chinatown delis are so organized: they've got all their ducks in a row.
My mother was such a bad cook, she was Hamburger Helpless.
What are buffalo chicken wings made from? Buffalo, or chicken?
I've had a Mister Coffee; I've seen Mister T. There's a singer called Hot Chocolate. What's next?
That Mexican restaurant is so bad, people refer to it as "Buenas Nauseous."
We have Holocaust deniers: Why no Nazi deniers?
Buy organic vegetables: Then you can add your own pesticides at home.
Obi-Wan at dinner: "Use the fork, Luke!"
Pizza gets a bad rap. It's the most common food sent in when there's a hostage situation.
Food adjectives: Fruity, Meaty, Cheesy, Spicy, Savory; but then there's Fishy!
My wife on rose wine: "Either stand up and be a red, or sit down and be a white!"
I hate liver. Well, except for the one I carry around in my belly.
The Seven Dwarf Chefs: Fruity, Meaty, Cheesy, Spicy, Juicy, Savory, and Fishy.
The menu said "Our burgers are 100% British beef." So I ordered the chicken.
Pizza. In the Yellow Pages continuum between Physicians and Plumbers.
Maybe McDonald's can partner with Disney and make a Scrooge McDuck sandwich.
Never mind more fiber in my diet. I want more fiber in my Internet connection!
They say blood is thicker than water. But not when you're taking Coumadin.
I went for a blood test. Instead of phlebotomy I seemed to have gotten a lobotomy.
Moushon's Syndrome: The only symptom: You can't understand what it is, no matter how it's explained to you.
It's a good thing we've got cheekbones, or else the human species would lose a lot more eyes.
I don't listen with earbuds: The music interferes with the voices in my head.
According to a recent medical study, playing air-guitar is good for you!
If you had acupuncture at the same time, would that ease the pain of getting a tattoo?
As far as organ transplants go, I'm on the waiting list for a new brain.
My medical insurance wrote to me: "To cut paperwork and save trees, we've decided not to pay any claims."
Did you say "Turn up the Volume?" or "Turn up the Valium?"
Someone asked "Where's the end of the supply chain?" Based on the produce I find, it's right before my local supermarket.
I spend so much time scrolling through all the Netflix offerings that I don't have time to watch anything!
No wonder they can't find him: Since 1975, the FBI's been looking for a guy named Charlie Hoffa!
Does every surfer have a dog?
I had a pair of patent leather shoes. But then they got sued for patent infringement.
I went to movie matinee but couldn't see the film. So much for the drive-in in the daytime!
I think I need a new leaf blower. My old one ran out of leaves.
Singing along with Harry Chapin recordings? Is that Harry-Oke?
I wonder if pirates would have better enrollment if it didn't involve singing.
Why is it that everyone wants to boogie down, but nobody ever seems to boogie up?
Folk music: It's all "Puff the dragon rowed the Kumbaya boat ashore to Guantanamera."
I knew a musician who was arrested. He used his one phone call to book a gig.
Sometimes I have to play a song I've heard but never played before. I'm reminded of the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle: You can know either when the chord changes happen, or where they're going. But not both!
The most important Karaoke safety equipment: earplugs!
You've made the big time when you don't have to bring your own hecklers to the show.
"Mom, can I quit school to join a Japanese musical drama group?" "Noh!"
If I want to install piped-in music, do I hire a musician? Or a plumber?
She said "...and we sing bad karaoke." How can you tell?
I must be a white man: when all is going to Hell, I don't grab a guitar and sing about it.
My woman split, took all my money / Left me here in the summer heat / Now I'm broke and hot with a broken heart.
People who can divide by two and those who can't: The halves and the halve-nots.
The risk of being in the public eye is that some people want to poke their finger in it.
No, I don't play baseball. I just carry this bat because people seem to pay better attention when I speak.
He's about as sharp as a waffle.
Answers heard in a New York shop: "Those are the only colors." "We don't deliver." "That is your change!"
You can only slap stupid people so many times, and then your arm gets tired.
If he doesn't log in to FaceBook for a while, I check the Jail website to see if he's logged in there.
Some friend you are. I give you a nice set of kitchen knives, and you use them to stab me in the back!
I don't mind wide open spaces, as long as we aren't talking about the intellectual landscape.
It's easier for a smart man to pretend he's dumb than for a dumb man to pretend he's smart.
He had a soul with the words "wash me" scrawled on it in dust.
People who have consistent bad luck serve a useful purpose: they draw the bad things away from the rest of us.
Unfortunately, for every Dalai Lama or Einstein there are thousands of Raiders fans.
There's no good measurement system for fun. We only have No Fun, Fun, a Lot Of Fun, and Too Fun.
Now that I have an iPhone, can I still go to church on Palm Sunday?
I hate to speak ill of the dumb, but those guys are really dumb.
If there were no Nazis, what would Internet arguments devolve to?
He knew it would be an ugly mob. For some reason, the beautiful people never seemed to join in.
What's a party? Take away food and drink, and all you have left are jokes, gossip, and insults.
Lord, give me patience. Right now!
If it really were a dog-eat-dog world, wouldn't we eventually end up with only one dog?
I'm not the man I used to be. In fact, I never was.
If I must pay for my sins, can I at least use a credit card?
I only started drinking at five o'clock, but I can't recall what day that was.
Never underestimate the power of greed when combined with stupidity.
For some people, it's just as easy to shaft an old friend as it is to shaft a stranger.
People fear public speaking more than death. That's because death offers the possibility of an afterlife; public speaking doesn't.
For some people, life is simply a series of bridges from one sin to the next.
He's not a racist. He's an equal-opportunity hater.
Giving back does not mean simply returning those Christmas gifts you don't like.
The smile that lights up your eyes changes the way that others see the world.
Don't try to figure people out. Just ask what they want, do what you think is right, and convince them it was their idea.
Whether the door is an entrance or exit depends on your point of view.
Some people worship God, others worship Gold: You decide for yourself.
If God calls, be sure it isn't collect.
You can waste your life seeking the fountain of youth, or abandon the search and live with the truth.
Sometimes even instant gratification isn't quick enough.
If your life is going nowhere, at least you can't lose your way.
If you're a nobody, you needn't worry about identity theft.
Some people are looking for love. Others are just looking for lunch.
You can have quiet fun in more places than noisy fun.
I'm not sure I want a time machine. There are so many possibilities, I wouldn't know what to do first!
The James Webb telescope: Ooh! Can we can see web pages from other galaxies?
I didn't know she was a vegetarian: She had no accent at all!
On Earth Day, I asked the PG&E guy "How is my electricity generated?" He replied "One electron at a time, sir."
I know that nobody is able to read my mind. I usually can't read it myself.
"Infinity is better than fifteen !"
The universe isn't really expanding. It's just that we compare it with grocery food packages, which are getting smaller!
"Obi-Wan, can I have my own light saber?" "You'll shoot your eye out, Luke."
The Large Hadron Collider's biggest accomplishment to date: dramatically demonstrating the collision between theory and practice.
Licking a 9v battery to test it is like opening your car's gas cap and sniffing to measure the amount of fuel in the tank.
If everyone changed one light bulb to fluorescent, it would be like taking 7 million cars off the road. But where would we park them all?
I did so poorly in science class that I got an Absolute Zero.
Why do I need a solar calculator? I know how far away the sun is.
The problem with superstition is that it's more seance than science.
Two-thirds of the time I'm doing the wrong thing. The other third I'm sleeping.
When I make a dumb mistake, I don't kick myself: if I did, I'd probably pull a hamstring.
My wife told me "Don't be an idiot!" Doesn't she know that's one of my strengths?
I'm straddling the fine line between Wise Man and Wise Guy.
My doctor ordered a test. It came back negative. Turns out it was an IQ test.
The hospital gave me a bunch of tests. One turned out to be the SAT. I actually think I did pretty well on it.
I'm a reverse Renaissance man: I'm equally bad at everything!
I often say, "I'm a professional" no matter what field is called for.
When someone calls me smarty-pants, I remind them that my shirts are smart too.
Sometimes I have so little tolerance, it's a wonder I can put up with myself.
I'm not well-bred. But to look at me, you'd think I was well-breaded.
I've had to sleep on the couch so many times, it now feels like a second home.
I've gone through my whole life unprepared. Why should I change now?
If I'm getting crazy and the weather is bad, sometimes I just freak in.
I'm not pretentious. I've made it past that, all the way to tensious!
My wife says that by the time she drank enough to sing karaoke, she'd pass out first.
I never get a brain-freeze from ice cream. For starters, one needs to have a brain.
I'm not going bald. I took a hot shower and my hair shrank!
Nowadays, my mental notes aren't worth the paper they're printed on.
I don't mind if I arrive late and miss the opening gun, just as long as it misses me!
Second thoughts? I'm lucky if I have first thoughts!
As far as behavior goes, past history is not a predictor of future performance.
I'm lucky to be able to act as spokesperson for myself, let alone anyone else.
Don't try make a monkey out of me. I can do that quite well myself.
I'd be a cynic if I thought it would make any difference.
Even a broken record's right, twice a day...twice a day...twice a day...
The other day, I got ahead of myself. So far that I had trouble catching up.
I sometimes wonder if a focus group would help to clarify things in my blurry life.
I took a hypnosis class and failed. Somehow I just couldn't keep my eyes open.
My wife called me an idiot. I was insulted; I'm more than that. I'm a complete idiot.
Did I really have amnesia? I don't remember.
If I had a sharp mind, I'd probably cut myself.
I serve as an example showing that beauty sleep doesn't work.
I'd be perfect if I didn't hang out with imperfect people. Doing so automatically proves I'm not perfect.
Doing my best to serve as an example of why planned parenthood makes sense.
What I lack in character, I make up for with stupidity.
"Second Life?" Forget it, I'm too busy working on my first life.
My clothes don't make a fashion statement: they ask a fashion question.
I'm torn between raising my consciousness and lowering my expectations.
As for my hidden talents, sometimes they tend to remain a bit too hidden.
You think I'm asking for trouble? Hell, I'm demanding it!
Sometimes I'm only paying attention to 50% of what's going on. Unfortunately, it's the wrong 50%.
Recently, I was lucid just long enough to realize that I'm losing it.
Occasionally people tell me I'm a genius. Where were these people when I was getting those lousy grades in high school?
I carry ibuprofen with me, in case I need to make an anti-inflammatory remark.
My contribution to art? As a chalk body outline.
I asked Siri, "Where's the nearest bookstore?" She replied "In your hand! Shall I launch the Amazon app?"
I ruined my laptop when I was brushing my teeth: I was gargling while googling.
Just once, I'd like to see a web site with a button labeled "I'm a robot."
Between my iPhone and Apple Watch, I've got more alarms going off than at a nuclear meltdown.
Yes, I am a robot, dammit! What are you gonna do about it?
I got a smart phone, then promptly lost a battle of wits with the damn thing.
The most-spoken words on mobile phones: "Can I call you back?"
I want "generic" caller-ID. Perhaps just Sales Call, Political, Fund-Raiser, or Annoying Client. Maybe one more for A*hole.
I don't worry about my iPhone's battery life. Let it do the worrying! I have my own life to keep me busy.
Seems to me the most-often clicked web link is "Forgot password."
People often have trouble getting onto the Internet. My problem is that I can't get off!
My flight was delayed for so long, my paper boarding pass began to yellow.
I took a cheap vacation to Sorta Vallarta. It wasn't very good, but I couldn't afford the real place.
The flight attendant says "If this is your final destination..." Assuming we land safely, this isn't gonna be my final destination!
My mojo's workin', but I think I need an upgrade.
I got an email titled "The pen is mightier than the sword." My spam filter deleted it.
I couldn't find my ass with both hands and a map. So I got me a GPS.
I'm backing up your data to the cheapest CD-R media I could find.
I know how to save your data, but not your soul.
If you're late arriving "at 11-ish," when does that turn into "12-ish?"
I'm working on a time machine. I'm way behind in getting it finished. But when it's done, it'll be ready right on the original schedule. (After all, it's a time machine, right?)
One trip to Italy will convince you that self-driving cars will never exist there.
Is that an encrypted message, or is it just written in Welsh?
In sci-fi movies, putting on an alien helmet usually boosted intelligence. Sometimes it seems that bicycle helmets do the opposite.
"Do you speak Russian?" "Nyet!"
My wife doesn't bother with thrill rides. She gets enough thrills from my driving.
I got a ticket for texting while driving. But I was able to pay it from my phone without even stopping!
The Italian dessert that sounds like a palindrome: "Plan on a pan of panna cotta."
I'm a sloppy driver. My car should have air bags on the outside to avoid all those dents.
Advantage #5 of driving at the speed of light: No chance that another car can rear-end yours.
I was in Louisiana, so I went to a swap meet to get some swamp meat.
The food at Disneyland is more expensive than what NASA sent to the moon.Even after you account for cost of the actual transportation.
Parking meters? I love paying to not drive my car.
A road sign said "Slow down and save a life." There are lots of slowpokes taking care of that, so I don't have to.
Advantage #4 of driving at the speed of light: A radar gun behind you will never catch you!
"Highways jammed wid bwoken hewoes on a wass chance powah dwive." -- Bwuce Spwingsteen
If you go to Italy and visit Positano, do you also have to visit Negitano?
Advantage #2 of driving at the speed of light: You can't see a police car's red light in your mirror.
Cheatin' hubby / kicked from home / dee-vorce papers / served to his phone / Burma Shave
Some people feel my driving is bad, but they're safer inside the car than outside!
I told my wife I'd like to be a conductor. She said, "Go stick your finger in a light socket."
My asocial wife says she won't even go to her own funeral.
My wife is trying to become a travel advisor, since she's always telling me where to go.
My wife is a "meta-snob": she won't even hang out with snobs!
I don't usually hike; mostly it's only when my wife tells me to go take one.
My wife teaches by example: "Girls, don't make the same mistake I did." She lets me tag along at these sessions.
My wife likes the "Find Friends" app, but she'd like a "Find Me Some New Friends" app too.
My wife says my priorities are misplaced. So I looked everywhere, but I couldn't find them.
My wife didn't marry me for money. She married me for revenge.
My wife said she wishes I was a broken clock. "At least then you'd be right twice a day."
Sometimes my wife says she's building up karma points by not doing something she's inclined to do.
My wife paraphrases Ben Franklin: "If my iPad and iPhone don't sync together, they shall surely sink separately."
My wife says that living with me is a repetitive stress injury.
There's a paranoid in Security with a paranoid insecurity.
I decided to say the day was cabrindy: It started out calm, became breezy, then got windy.
I could fix audio equipment, so I got a job as a disco-tech in a discotheque. But I hated those outdoor gigs: I was a discontent in a disco-tent.
Seen on a supermarket tabloid: "Space aliens give Elvis love child Jackie O's miracle cancer cure diet !"
At a restaurant, I heard a couple say, "We're waiting for change." But doesn't change have to come from within?
Gandhi to Edison: "The road to Hell is paved with good inventions."
The Oblongata Gang: run by Nunzio and his brother Medulla (the brains of the outfit).
Adobe tries, but they don't quite succeed: The spirit is willing, but the Flash is weak.
Sign on a sausage shop: "Prepare for the wurst!"
Mojo or Juju: Which is which?
Roses are red, sailor's delight. Violets are blue, and so is that sailor who ended up here by mistake.
Four Russian words: Dressing, Mob, Ballet, Roulette
I don't think you can go to rehab if you haven't been to "hab" first.
Bet it, move it, watch it, lose it, shake it, bust it. Versatile word #53: "ass."
I've never seen anyone hit by a single whammy. It's always a double whammy. Maybe a triple!
The word honeycomb has a silent "B." But if you try to steal one from the hive, the bees aren't silent.
Haven't you ever heard of a rhetorical question?
Ancient Egyptian saying: "Show me the mummy!"
When everything you say is a non sequitur, you can't be quoted out of context.
You can make a some money taking artistic photos, and a decent living in commercial photography. When you can make a product look like a cover-girl or a centerfold model, that's when you'll make big money.
Work problems are sometimes like sledding downhill with a gorilla. First, stay on the sled. Second, keep the gorilla there too.
For some people, even simple problems are like rocket calculus nuclear brain physics surgery.
Of course he doesn't have a plan-B. He doesn't even have a plan-A.
Occasionally I'm told "I kept clicking a bunch of stuff on my computer, and it started working again." I'm just glad they aren't surgeons.
Sometimes I feel like someone who doesn't know, asking someone who doesn't care.
Everyone makes honest mistakes. Have you ever heard anyone say it's a dishonest mistake?
Murphy's Meta-Law: Someone in the group is going to say, "It's Murphy's Law."
Yessir, that job was so dangerous, we had a priest, a minister, and a rabbi on staff.
To fix your computer, I charge an hourly rate. If you want to talk about the problem, I have a different rate.
If you're gonna answer your phone during a job interview, it had better be about your upcoming organ transplant.
First I ran out of ideas; then I ran out of excuses.
Thinking outside the box sometimes requires that you find a different box!
If your product description includes the word "famous," it probably isn't.
I heard they were gonna give out pink slips at work. Cool, I can use a new car !
Another failed invention: The solar-powered pacemaker.
I'm optimistic about the future of my business: I just bought a box of 500 invoice envelopes.
How the law student failed an oral exam on Miranda rights: he remained silent.
My wife says of me: "He's never danced with me. But I bet he'll dance on my grave!"
What? You don't have a complaint department? Now I have two complaints!
Times are tough: Due to layoffs, it's now Ali Baba and the 30 thieves.
He was ousted from his sole proprietorship. He was self-employed, but a power-struggle began when his schizophrenia started.
Perhaps the toilet business is the new success story. After all, it seems that's where everything is going nowadays.
Another failed product idea: Mister Onion Head.
When you know that you don't know, then you know more than if you didn't know you didn't know.
I went to Bed, Bath & Beyond. I didn't need things for my bed or bath. I was looking for stuff for my Beyond.
I'm glad I live in an area where people run for exercise, rather than to escape from criminals.
Ever hear of the First Church Of Crap? The church's outlook on life: "Most of it is crap."
I'd rather have my name in your will than in your contact list.
There are two musicals: "Mame," and "Auntie Mame." Never let the two meet, like matter and antimatter.
Any similarity between my house and the Taj Mahal is purely coincidental.
After all these years not winning a Nobel Prize, I pretend I'm a descendant of Alfred Nobel. "Members of the Nobel Committee, employees, and their families are not eligible."
The good news: there's no bad news. The bad news: I lied. There's no good news!
I bought one of those pillows with memory foam. Now when I talk in my sleep, it remembers everything I said.
Don't think of this as me robbing you; I'm jump-starting your career as a philanthropist.
"No one will be admitted after the exciting conclusion of tonight's show!"
Cars, computers, airplanes, women. Never fast enough.
The church never did tell me whether Jesus could turn sparkling water into sparkling wine.
House of Umlauts. In Europe, visit Umlaut Haus. Not affiliated with Umlaut World.
I don't know whether to shoot him an email, or just shoot him.
A major drawback of recycling: You can't find a bottle when there's a riot.
If you think this is a mess, you must live a sheltered life.
I've gone around in circles before, but now it seems like I'm going around in ovals.
If I'm wrong I wouldn't be surprised, just disappointed again that I won't be getting a Nobel Prize this year.
I never second-guess my sanity. After all, if my mind is going, how can I trust myself to analyze my own thinking?
One retail shop that Wal-Mart won't put out of business: An adult book/video store!
Why does a church need handicapped parking spots? Shouldn't they be making lame men walk?
I read a really neat quote. I forget if it was from Dali Lama or Dolly Parton.
If I order a "Large Shrimp Pizza," is it a large pizza with shrimp, or a standard pizza with a large shrimp?
"Linens 'n' Things" went bankrupt. It was the "things" that done 'em in.
He drifted, then overcorrected, then crashed. Yes, I was talking about the economy!
In this economy, some folks have watched their 401k become a 201k, then a 101k.
I love ambiguity. And I hate it.
One good thing about identity theft: If you're doing something the government doesn't like, maybe they'll send the thief to Guantanamo.
Do you want advance notice of the apocalypse, or would you prefer it to be a surprise?
In our daily lives, we all hide our fears, prejudices, and hangups. But if we're called for a jury, that's the time to let 'em leak through.
Some feel God has begun to abandon us. After all those years without a promotion, I can see why he'd slack off.
I was near the Aquarium and went to Madame Cousteau's Wax Museum: they only had a lot of wax fish!
For the man who has everything: A death threat from a stranger!
Scotsman to composer: "Aye, Shostakovich, but I dinna shoot the deputy."
My horse threw a shoe. So I spanked him; nobody in my family is allowed to throw shoes.
Sometimes I work so fast I'm in danger of finishing before I've started.
They can strip Pluto's status as a planet. But not his status as a dog.
Maybe the US needs to be a plutocracy. Put Mickey Mouse's dog in charge.
A truly dedicated sadist would refuse to beat a masochist.
Every time you call something "Mickey-Mouse," it's a copyright violation. Disney would file a lawsuit, if it weren't for their Mickey-Mouse legal department.
I won't lie to you; there's no such thing as the Truth Fairy.
The only time you'll have complete privacy is when you're six feet under.
When people ask me what I think of change, I say, "Well, it's different."
Years ago, my mojo needed repairs. I still don't know if it's workin'.
I'm not demanding an increase in intelligence, but I'd at least like to see a reduction of stupidity.
When diplomacy fails, try fencing. En Garde!
It's hard to feel animosity toward someone before you've got your own act together.
I can't tell the difference between Jezebel, Clarabelle, or Tinkerbell.
Was that a swarm of killer bees attacking a flock of geese? Nope, it's just Bob Dylan's harmonica.
You want me to be an organ donor? But I only have a piano.
Just once, I'd like to see a restaurant not say their chowder is famous!
Some people update their software simply because they're bored. After updating, they're no longer bored!
My wife says, "Forget diet pills. Why doesn't someone try to develop peace pills?"
This quote may not be reproduced without the express written permission of the Commissioner of Baseball.
Life is too cheap to drink short wine.
I bought a full set of work clothes, but somehow I still end up doing all the work!
If I don't return your message right away, it's because I'm out searching for Jimmy Hoffa.
Advantage #1 of driving at the speed of light: Whenever you approach a red traffic light, it always appears green.
She's dating again? She's so old it should be carbon dating!
This restaurant has been here forever; in fact, their first dish was primordial soup.
The problem is that everyone has their own idea of what equality is.
When asked for a password, I tried many things and did not succeed. Then I took the Zen approach: I used nothing and I achieved success.
Some new TV comedy said, "Viewer Discretion Advised." So I used my discretion: I decided it wasn't worth watching!
You can't really say you hate Arabs until you're willing to switch to Roman numerals.
Approval vs. Rejection: I seek the former when I use a credit card, and the latter if called for jury duty.
The Great Equalizer: All dropped laptop computers become the same.
I have a friend who has a tattoo/voodoo/acupuncture shop. Whatever you need done with needles, he does it.
Charter Member of the Toxic Friends Network!
This message has been edited for content and reformatted to fit your screen.
TV shows in HD format with 5.1 surround sound? How about improving the writing?
So I was taking a pantomime class. I answered a question and failed!
Sign on a church: God missed you last Sunday. Next week he won't miss.
If we're gonna have anarchy, I want to be in charge!
I used to be all thumbs; now I only have two left.
The white man's Catch-22: To prove you have soul, you have to sell it to the Devil.
The Chrysler Intervention Team: Our mission: To steer people to the other automakers.
Bikini waxing? I don't wax my car. Why would I want to wax a bikini?
Advantage #3 of driving at the speed of light: You can make use of the "slingshot effect" on the curves.
I always thought Condoleezza Rice was an ingredient in paella!
TV news is now so gritty and disturbing, I just skip right through it and watch the commercials.
Living in the ugliest house in your neighborhood has its advantages: When you look out the window, you don't have to see it!
"Welcome to Amnesia International. Now where was I?"
Disadvantage #1 of driving at the speed of light: Flashing your high beams at a car in front does no good.
I don't have a hole in my head: it's a transformation portal. A small bit of the world flows through and comes out changed.
Internet haiku: You e-mailed a joke / It was funny the first time / I got it last spring.
Quite honestly, the only A+ I've ever gotten is for my blood type.
I think I drive defensively, but my wife says I drive defectively.
I ain't worn real shoes in so long, I don't even know Shine-Ola!
Disadvantage #2 of driving at the speed of light: You can't see the reflectors in the road.
I thought I had made a mistake once. But I was mistaken.
I acknowledge the existence of a higher power, and have therefore installed surge suppressors.
I just bought a timeshare condo from H. G. Wells.
You rub me the wrong way, but keep on rubbin' anyway.
I was going to go to the bakery to pick up a loaf of bread, but then I decided I'd rather just plain loaf.
If it weren't for the lazy dog, nobody would have paid attention to the quick brown fox.
I only made one mistake today: getting out of bed.
I don't want to argue, I don't want to fight. I just want to get some sleep tonight.
Found out my woman was runnin' around. Now I'm looking for my heart in the lost and found.
I got a whole supply of bloodshot eyes that I ain't never used.
I've got ring around the collar, dishpan hands, unsightly age spots, crows feet wrinkles, iron-poor blood, fallen arches, and watery eyes.
I don't play banjo. I just carry one around because people will pay me to not play it.
I'm not a robot. Never have been. Unless I am a robot and they've erased my memory of being one.
In the words of the immortal Gugliemo Marconi, "This ain't my first radio."
Didn't the Rolling Stones sing "Hey You Get Offa iCloud?"
Your crystal clashes with my aura.
I was struck by inspiration or by lightning, one or the other.
They say the grass is greener. But colors may vary depending on your computer screen.
Marcel Cousteau, the underwater mime.
We'll meet to brainstorm a framework for a roadmap to an agenda for an action plan as we move forward.
No wonder I'm lost: I'm a software guy in a hardware store.
Missouri: The "Show-Me, but I'll believe it if I read it on Twitter" state.
When we become a completely paperless society, will there be Liquid Paperless?
Sanity is overrated.
Does anyone ever use a bullhorn anywhere aside from protests or hostage situations?
How long will it take? Will it be three minutes? Or will it be three software-update minutes?
"Suicide Hotline. Please hold."
I'm down on my luck, and here I am stuck, down in Luckenbach.
I got me a first-class ticket to the blues.
I used to think the world was going to Hell in a handbasket. Nowadays, I doubt it will even get there.
Instead of teaching political science, perhaps we should be teaching political silence.
I don't have St. Christopher on my car's dashboard: I've got saints Adamo through Zacharias. You can't be too careful.
A client's smart TV stopped showing Netflix. I arrived, she turned it on, and it was fine. That's my touchless magic-touch service.
When a web site asks "What is your dream job?" I want to answer "The guy who makes up excuses for higher gas prices."