Overheard at a baby-changing table: "I think I'd like that baby instead of mine."
I suggested one of my buddies for a single woman in town. My wife replied, "She wants an eligible guy. Not a guy eligible for parole."
Chinatown delis are so organized: they've got all their ducks in a row.
We have Holocaust deniers: Why no Nazi deniers?
Obi-Wan at dinner: "Use the fork, Luke!"
I knew a musician who was arrested. He used his one phone call to book a gig.
The risk of being in the public eye is that some people want to poke their finger in it.
No, I don't play baseball. I just carry this bat because people seem to pay better attention when I speak.
He's about as sharp as a waffle.
Answers heard in a New York shop: "Those are the only colors." "We don't deliver." "That is your change!"
You can only slap stupid people so many times, and then your arm gets tired.
If he doesn't log in to FaceBook for a while, I check the Jail website to see if he's logged in there.
Some friend you are. I give you a nice set of kitchen knives, and you use them to stab me in the back!
I don't mind wide open spaces, as long as we aren't talking about the intellectual landscape.
It's easier for a smart man to pretend he's dumb than for a dumb man to pretend he's smart.
He had a soul with the words "wash me" scrawled on it in dust.
Unfortunately, for every Dalai Lama or Einstein there are thousands of Raiders fans.
There's no good measurement system for fun. We only have No Fun, Fun, a Lot Of Fun, and Too Fun.
If there were no Nazis, what would Internet arguments devolve to?
He knew it would be an ugly mob. For some reason, the beautiful people never seemed to join in.
What's a party? Take away food and drink, and all you have left are jokes, gossip, and insults.
Lord, give me patience. Right now!
I only started drinking at five o'clock, but I can't recall what day that was.
Never underestimate the power of greed when combined with stupidity.
For some people, it's just as easy to shaft an old friend as it is to shaft a stranger.
People fear public speaking more than death. That's because death offers the possibility of an afterlife; public speaking doesn't.
For some people, life is simply a series of bridges from one sin to the next.
He's not a racist. He's an equal-opportunity hater.
Giving back does not mean simply returning those Christmas gifts you don't like.
The smile that lights up your eyes changes the way that others see the world.
Don't try to figure people out. Just ask what they want, do what you think is right, and convince them it was their idea.
Some people worship God, others worship Gold: You decide for yourself.
You can have quiet fun in more places than noisy fun.
The problem with superstition is that it's more seance than science.
If I'm getting crazy and the weather is bad, sometimes I just freak in.
As far as behavior goes, past history is not a predictor of future performance.
If you're late arriving "at 11-ish," when does that turn into "12-ish?"
One trip to Italy will convince you that self-driving cars will never exist there.
My asocial wife says she won't even go to her own funeral.
My wife is a "meta-snob": she won't even hang out with snobs!
My wife says my priorities are misplaced. So I looked everywhere, but I couldn't find them.
My wife didn't marry me for money. She married me for revenge.
My wife says that living with me is a repetitive stress injury.
For some people, even simple problems are like rocket calculus nuclear brain physics surgery.
Of course he doesn't have a plan-B. He doesn't even have a plan-A.
Everyone makes honest mistakes. Have you ever heard anyone say it's a dishonest mistake?
How the law student failed an oral exam on Miranda rights: he remained silent.
My horse threw a shoe. So I spanked him; nobody in my family is allowed to throw shoes.
She's dating again? She's so old it should be carbon dating!
The problem is that everyone has their own idea of what equality is.
Missouri: The "Show-Me, but I'll believe it if I read it on Twitter" state.
Sanity is overrated.
Morning prayer: "Lord, please send out a bulk apology for all the dumb things I'll do today."