My printer has a setting for legal paper. Does a criminal's printer take illegal paper?
We have Holocaust deniers: Why no Nazi deniers?
It's a good thing we've got cheekbones, or else the human species would lose a lot more eyes.
I don't listen with earbuds: The music interferes with the voices in my head.
If you had acupuncture at the same time, would that ease the pain of getting a tattoo?
Someone asked "Where's the end of the supply chain?" Based on the produce I find, it's right before my local supermarket.
Does every surfer have a dog?
I had a pair of patent leather shoes. But then they got sued for patent infringement.
I went to movie matinee but couldn't see the film. So much for the drive-in in the daytime!
I think I need a new leaf blower. My old one ran out of leaves.
People who can divide by two and those who can't: The halves and the halve-nots.
He knew it would be an ugly mob. For some reason, the beautiful people never seemed to join in.
If it really were a dog-eat-dog world, wouldn't we eventually end up with only one dog?
"Infinity is better than fifteen !"
"Obi-Wan, can I have my own light saber?" "You'll shoot your eye out, Luke."
I often say, "I'm a professional" no matter what field is called for.
Even a broken record's right, twice a day...twice a day...twice a day...
My flight was delayed for so long, my paper boarding pass began to yellow.
Seen on a supermarket tabloid: "Space aliens give Elvis love child Jackie O's miracle cancer cure diet !"
At a restaurant, I heard a couple say, "We're waiting for change." But doesn't change have to come from within?
Roses are red, sailor's delight. Violets are blue, and so is that sailor who ended up here by mistake.
How the law student failed an oral exam on Miranda rights: he remained silent.
What? You don't have a complaint department? Now I have two complaints!
I went to Bed, Bath & Beyond. I didn't need things for my bed or bath. I was looking for stuff for my Beyond.
I'd rather have my name in your will than in your contact list.
There are two musicals: "Mame," and "Auntie Mame." Never let the two meet, like matter and antimatter.
Any similarity between my house and the Taj Mahal is purely coincidental.
The good news: there's no bad news. The bad news: I lied. There's no good news!
I bought one of those pillows with memory foam. Now when I talk in my sleep, it remembers everything I said.
Don't think of this as me robbing you; I'm jump-starting your career as a philanthropist.
"No one will be admitted after the exciting conclusion of tonight's show!"
Cars, computers, airplanes, women. Never fast enough.
House of Umlauts. In Europe, visit Umlaut Haus. Not affiliated with Umlaut World.
I don't know whether to shoot him an email, or just shoot him.
A major drawback of recycling: You can't find a bottle when there's a riot.
If you think this is a mess, you must live a sheltered life.
I've gone around in circles before, but now it seems like I'm going around in ovals.
One retail shop that Wal-Mart won't put out of business: An adult book/video store!
I read a really neat quote. I forget if it was from Dali Lama or Dolly Parton.
I love ambiguity. And I hate it.
One good thing about identity theft: If you're doing something the government doesn't like, maybe they'll send the thief to Guantanamo.
Do you want advance notice of the apocalypse, or would you prefer it to be a surprise?
I was near the Aquarium and went to Madame Cousteau's Wax Museum: they only had a lot of wax fish!
For the man who has everything: A death threat from a stranger!
Maybe the US needs to be a plutocracy. Put Mickey Mouse's dog in charge.
A truly dedicated sadist would refuse to beat a masochist.
This quote may not be reproduced without the express written permission of the Commissioner of Baseball.
Life is too cheap to drink short wine.
If I don't return your message right away, it's because I'm out searching for Jimmy Hoffa.
Some new TV comedy said, "Viewer Discretion Advised." So I used my discretion: I decided it wasn't worth watching!
I have a friend who has a tattoo/voodoo/acupuncture shop. Whatever you need done with needles, he does it.
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TV shows in HD format with 5.1 surround sound? How about improving the writing?
The Chrysler Intervention Team: Our mission: To steer people to the other automakers.
Bikini waxing? I don't wax my car. Why would I want to wax a bikini?
I always thought Condoleezza Rice was an ingredient in paella!
TV news is now so gritty and disturbing, I just skip right through it and watch the commercials.
Living in the ugliest house in your neighborhood has its advantages: When you look out the window, you don't have to see it!
You rub me the wrong way, but keep on rubbin' anyway.
Your crystal clashes with my aura.
I was struck by inspiration or by lightning, one or the other.
Does anyone ever use a bullhorn anywhere aside from protests or hostage situations?
"Suicide Hotline. Please hold."
Morning prayer: "Lord, please send out a bulk apology for all the dumb things I'll do today."