Sometimes I say, "That was several years B.C." Before Children.
Overheard at a baby-changing table: "I think I'd like that baby instead of mine."
Matrimony --> Harmony --> Acrimony --> Agony --> Testimony --> Alimony
When my kids inherit my musical instruments, they'll learn the true meaning of "heir guitar."
My mother was such a bad cook, she was Hamburger Helpless.