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People quote Mark Twain and Oscar Wilde all the time. Why not me?

(All are original lines made up by me.)



































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The closest I'll get to Jesus is wearing sandals.

Sometimes it seems like my opposable thumbs are opposing what I want my hands to do.

I don't listen with earbuds: The music interferes with the voices in my head.

As far as organ transplants go, I'm on the waiting list for a new brain.

I'm not the man I used to be. In fact, I never was.

If I must pay for my sins, can I at least use a credit card?

I only started drinking at five o'clock, but I can't recall what day that was.

I know that nobody is able to read my mind. I usually can't read it myself.

Two-thirds of the time I'm doing the wrong thing. The other third I'm sleeping.

When I make a dumb mistake, I don't kick myself: if I did, I'd probably pull a hamstring.

My wife told me "Don't be an idiot!" Doesn't she know that's one of my strengths?

I'm straddling the fine line between Wise Man and Wise Guy.

My doctor ordered a test. It came back negative. Turns out it was an IQ test.

The hospital gave me a bunch of tests. One turned out to be the SAT. I actually think I did pretty well on it.

I'm a reverse Renaissance man: I'm equally bad at everything!

When someone calls me smarty-pants, I remind them that my shirts are smart too.

Sometimes I have so little tolerance, it's a wonder I can put up with myself.

I'm not well-bred. But to look at me, you'd think I was well-breaded.

I've had to sleep on the couch so many times, it now feels like a second home.

I've gone through my whole life unprepared. Why should I change now?

If I'm getting crazy and the weather is bad, sometimes I just freak in.

I'm not pretentious. I've made it past that, all the way to tensious!

I never get a brain-freeze from ice cream. For starters, one needs to have a brain.

I'm not going bald. I took a hot shower and my hair shrank!

Nowadays, my mental notes aren't worth the paper they're printed on.

I don't mind if I arrive late and miss the opening gun, just as long as it misses me!

Second thoughts? I'm lucky if I have first thoughts!

As far as behavior goes, past history is not a predictor of future performance.

I'm lucky to be able to act as spokesperson for myself, let alone anyone else.

Don't try make a monkey out of me. I can do that quite well myself.

I'd be a cynic if I thought it would make any difference.

The other day, I got ahead of myself. So far that I had trouble catching up.

I sometimes wonder if a focus group would help to clarify things in my blurry life.

I took a hypnosis class and failed. Somehow I just couldn't keep my eyes open.

My wife called me an idiot. I was insulted; I'm more than that. I'm a complete idiot.

Did I really have amnesia? I don't remember.

If I had a sharp mind, I'd probably cut myself.

I serve as an example showing that beauty sleep doesn't work.

I'd be perfect if I didn't hang out with imperfect people. Doing so automatically proves I'm not perfect.

Doing my best to serve as an example of why planned parenthood makes sense.

What I lack in character, I make up for with stupidity.

"Second Life?" Forget it, I'm too busy working on my first life.

My clothes don't make a fashion statement: they ask a fashion question.

As for my hidden talents, sometimes they tend to remain a bit too hidden.

You think I'm asking for trouble? Hell, I'm demanding it!

Sometimes I'm only paying attention to 50% of what's going on. Unfortunately, it's the wrong 50%.

Recently, I was lucid just long enough to realize that I'm losing it.

Occasionally people tell me I'm a genius. Where were these people when I was getting those lousy grades in high school?

I carry ibuprofen with me, in case I need to make an anti-inflammatory remark.

My contribution to art? As a chalk body outline.

My mojo's workin', but I think I need an upgrade.

My wife says my priorities are misplaced. So I looked everywhere, but I couldn't find them.

My wife paraphrases Ben Franklin: "If my iPad and iPhone don't sync together, they shall surely sink separately."

My wife says that living with me is a repetitive stress injury.

To fix your computer, I charge an hourly rate. If you want to talk about the problem, I have a different rate.

After all these years not winning a Nobel Prize, I pretend I'm a descendant of Alfred Nobel. "Members of the Nobel Committee, employees, and their families are not eligible."

I never second-guess my sanity. After all, if my mind is going, how can I trust myself to analyze my own thinking?

Sometimes I work so fast I'm in danger of finishing before I've started.

Years ago, my mojo needed repairs. I still don't know if it's workin'.

I bought a full set of work clothes, but somehow I still end up doing all the work!

Charter Member of the Toxic Friends Network!

So I was taking a pantomime class. I answered a question and failed!

I used to be all thumbs; now I only have two left.

The white man's Catch-22: To prove you have soul, you have to sell it to the Devil.

"Welcome to Amnesia International. Now where was I?"

I don't have a hole in my head: it's a transformation portal. A small bit of the world flows through and comes out changed.

Quite honestly, the only A+ I've ever gotten is for my blood type.

I ain't worn real shoes in so long, I don't even know Shine-Ola!

I thought I had made a mistake once. But I was mistaken.

I acknowledge the existence of a higher power, and have therefore installed surge suppressors.

I was going to go to the bakery to pick up a loaf of bread, but then I decided I'd rather just plain loaf.

I only made one mistake today: getting out of bed.

I've got ring around the collar, dishpan hands, unsightly age spots, crows feet wrinkles, iron-poor blood, fallen arches, and watery eyes.

I don't play banjo. I just carry one around because people will pay me to not play it.

I was struck by inspiration or by lightning, one or the other.

Morning prayer: "Lord, please send out a bulk apology for all the dumb things I'll do today."

Copyright © 2022 - Rick Auricchio