The closest I'll get to Jesus is wearing sandals.
Sometimes it seems like my opposable thumbs are opposing what I want my hands to do.
I don't listen with earbuds: The music interferes with the voices in my head.
As far as organ transplants go, I'm on the waiting list for a new brain.
I'm not the man I used to be. In fact, I never was.
If I must pay for my sins, can I at least use a credit card?
I only started drinking at five o'clock, but I can't recall what day that was.
I know that nobody is able to read my mind. I usually can't read it myself.
Two-thirds of the time I'm doing the wrong thing. The other third I'm sleeping.
When I make a dumb mistake, I don't kick myself: if I did, I'd probably pull a hamstring.
My wife told me "Don't be an idiot!" Doesn't she know that's one of my strengths?
I'm straddling the fine line between Wise Man and Wise Guy.
My doctor ordered a test. It came back negative. Turns out it was an IQ test.
The hospital gave me a bunch of tests. One turned out to be the SAT. I actually think I did pretty well on it.
I'm a reverse Renaissance man: I'm equally bad at everything!
When someone calls me smarty-pants, I remind them that my shirts are smart too.
Sometimes I have so little tolerance, it's a wonder I can put up with myself.
I'm not well-bred. But to look at me, you'd think I was well-breaded.
I've had to sleep on the couch so many times, it now feels like a second home.
I've gone through my whole life unprepared. Why should I change now?
If I'm getting crazy and the weather is bad, sometimes I just freak in.
I'm not pretentious. I've made it past that, all the way to tensious!
I never get a brain-freeze from ice cream. For starters, one needs to have a brain.
I'm not going bald. I took a hot shower and my hair shrank!
Nowadays, my mental notes aren't worth the paper they're printed on.
I don't mind if I arrive late and miss the opening gun, just as long as it misses me!
Second thoughts? I'm lucky if I have first thoughts!
As far as behavior goes, past history is not a predictor of future performance.
I'm lucky to be able to act as spokesperson for myself, let alone anyone else.
Don't try make a monkey out of me. I can do that quite well myself.
I'd be a cynic if I thought it would make any difference.
The other day, I got ahead of myself. So far that I had trouble catching up.
I sometimes wonder if a focus group would help to clarify things in my blurry life.
I took a hypnosis class and failed. Somehow I just couldn't keep my eyes open.
My wife called me an idiot. I was insulted; I'm more than that. I'm a complete idiot.
Did I really have amnesia? I don't remember.
If I had a sharp mind, I'd probably cut myself.
I serve as an example showing that beauty sleep doesn't work.
I'd be perfect if I didn't hang out with imperfect people. Doing so automatically proves I'm not perfect.
Doing my best to serve as an example of why planned parenthood makes sense.
What I lack in character, I make up for with stupidity.
"Second Life?" Forget it, I'm too busy working on my first life.
My clothes don't make a fashion statement: they ask a fashion question.
As for my hidden talents, sometimes they tend to remain a bit too hidden.
You think I'm asking for trouble? Hell, I'm demanding it!
Sometimes I'm only paying attention to 50% of what's going on. Unfortunately, it's the wrong 50%.
Recently, I was lucid just long enough to realize that I'm losing it.
Occasionally people tell me I'm a genius. Where were these people when I was getting those lousy grades in high school?
I carry ibuprofen with me, in case I need to make an anti-inflammatory remark.
My contribution to art? As a chalk body outline.
My mojo's workin', but I think I need an upgrade.
My wife says my priorities are misplaced. So I looked everywhere, but I couldn't find them.
My wife paraphrases Ben Franklin: "If my iPad and iPhone don't sync together, they shall surely sink separately."
My wife says that living with me is a repetitive stress injury.
To fix your computer, I charge an hourly rate. If you want to talk about the problem, I have a different rate.
After all these years not winning a Nobel Prize, I pretend I'm a descendant of Alfred Nobel. "Members of the Nobel Committee, employees, and their families are not eligible."
I never second-guess my sanity. After all, if my mind is going, how can I trust myself to analyze my own thinking?
Sometimes I work so fast I'm in danger of finishing before I've started.
Years ago, my mojo needed repairs. I still don't know if it's workin'.
I bought a full set of work clothes, but somehow I still end up doing all the work!
Charter Member of the Toxic Friends Network!
So I was taking a pantomime class. I answered a question and failed!
I used to be all thumbs; now I only have two left.
The white man's Catch-22: To prove you have soul, you have to sell it to the Devil.
"Welcome to Amnesia International. Now where was I?"
I don't have a hole in my head: it's a transformation portal. A small bit of the world flows through and comes out changed.
Quite honestly, the only A+ I've ever gotten is for my blood type.
I ain't worn real shoes in so long, I don't even know Shine-Ola!
I thought I had made a mistake once. But I was mistaken.
I acknowledge the existence of a higher power, and have therefore installed surge suppressors.
I was going to go to the bakery to pick up a loaf of bread, but then I decided I'd rather just plain loaf.
I only made one mistake today: getting out of bed.
I've got ring around the collar, dishpan hands, unsightly age spots, crows feet wrinkles, iron-poor blood, fallen arches, and watery eyes.
I don't play banjo. I just carry one around because people will pay me to not play it.
I was struck by inspiration or by lightning, one or the other.
Morning prayer: "Lord, please send out a bulk apology for all the dumb things I'll do today."